That Voice

Never really respected the truth behind the scripture that told me it was impossible to kick against the preek. To be perfectly honest, I didn't even know it was a scripture when I was running the streets. I did know however that something wasn't right. Two pills, four blunts, and countless hennessy shots wasn't enough to convince me that the naked chick laying beside me was my type. Staring at the ceiling as she slept, recounting the time I was so high I passed out twice. Can't just thank God for the homies who held me down, I had thank God for sparing my life. That awkward moment; Trying to talk to God, laid up with a woman who wasn't my wife. One can only imagine that when she woke up, the conversation was fairly light. I mean, considering love had nothing to do with this, there wasn't much to talk about, and cuffing one nighters from the club; I'm not about that life.

But who can tell you that you're not enjoying life when you're doing all the things the average nine to fiver couldn't afford? Rapping and buying new outfits just to stand on couches with my team, while holding up bottles, and kicking it with pretty women; Wasn't this what my generation of men lived for? Ironically enough, in a clouded room full of perception, moving to the sounds of the latest bangers, it seemed as if everyone, including those who were over looked, were enjoying this experience a little bit more. I'm having a good time, but abusing illegal substances, in attempts to drown out a voice telling me "this isn't the knock opportunity wants you to be listening for."

The life of the party was at its peak, but I was at my low. All good, I'll just pop another one of these pills, and blow more of this weed smoke. Jungle fever the drinks, start mixing the white with the brown; fifteen minutes later, that pill is kicking in, and I'm talking some strangers panties down. Forget who she might've slept with last night; Look at that face, them lips, and them thighs. But here goes that voice again, trying to get my mind to reason with my eyes. "this is Atlanta, what if she has a boyfriend who likes to sleep with guys?" Am I really hearing this right here, right now? Nah, I can't be. Ignore it and charge it to being high. Been in these shoes so many nights, pride alone wouldn't allow me to believe they weren't my size.

And perception, well see....It's a funny thing, because unless you see tears, you almost never listen for ones cries. Crazy how ego will deny discomfort in a room full of lies. Club full of folks, and I couldn't spot one person who didn't have something to hide. But I couldn't count the ones who were able to drink it all away for the night and have a good time. I used to enjoy it the way they did, why don't I now? If I really don't wanna be high, why can't I put the drugs down? Wasn't ready to stop drinking, I was in love with the taste. Wasn't ready to accept a woman for who she was, I was in love with her waist. So much temptation in my face, can't let such pleasure go to waste. Been doing this for years now; Why suddenly this voice I can't shake?

In a place, feeling out of place, never scared, but never feeling safe. Soldiers with me, always good, my concern was with fate. Bullets ain't got no names, death don't give you no dates, and I had ignored that voice telling me to go right so long, death started looking like an escape. Nah, I didn't wanna die, was too fly for suicide, but too many wrong turns will eventually lead you to the wrong place at the wrong time. All of this in the back of my mind, but all of these women are in front of my eyes; Feeling like friends can't relate, but my poker face says every thing's fine.

But why? Why am I not fine? Why can't I just enjoy this blunt and this dime? Why can't I zone out to this music? I do this all the time. But lately, the more I do , the more the discomfort grows. The more I try to tune you out, the more you kill my buzz, but why me though? And why do I hear you the most when I'm trying to go out and enjoy my night? Why can't I drown you out with the liquor like everyone else does? And the voice spoke
"Because I'm trying to save your life. You're chosen."

Now ask yourself. Are you ignoring that voice?

-Jermaine G.

#GentlemanTheory